The E(minently)S(uperior)P(orpoise) Reviews Catherine [XB360, PS3]

CATHERINE: Review by the E(minently)S(uperior)P(orpoise)

Platform: XBOX 360, Playstation 3

Developer: ATLUS

Publisher: ATLUS

Release: February 17th, 2011 (Japan); July 26th, 2011 (USA); February 10th, 2012 (Europe); February 23rd, 2012 (Australia)

You filthy humans with your plebeian rodent brains. It’s embarrassing enough that you are unable perform everyday tasks with only the power of the mind, as I and all other Delphinidae are capable. Can you not even fathom something as rudimentary as your own reproductive cycles? Each February, our omnipotent cetacean cortices are bombarded with the sentimental, feverish, sugar-addled pinings of your inferior species. No volume of sedatives or painkillers could possibly numb the torpor induced by all your pathetic, gonad-mongering thoughts.

That said, Catherine (just recently released in European and Australian territories) is an enjoyable distraction, however powerfully it invokes your horrid Valentine affairs, if only for the fact that it offers the chance to view the bloody destruction of human male “sheep,” often at the hands of the race’s greater sex.

"You've got something in your teeth there. Is that a...FEMUR???"

In Catherine, the player controls one Vincent Brooks, a soppy-headed simp with a repressed Lolita complex, a low-paying job, and a domineering girlfriend named Katherine. Vincent cannot bring himself to discuss his apprehensions with Katherine, a problem further complicated by the busty, negligee-clad youth (named Catherine–see what they did, there?) coming onto him at his favorite bar. Vincent begins to have disturbing dreams that ultimately threaten his life, and it is here that the player’s skills are brought to bear.

Sit down, dude; you're gonna hurt someone with that ridiculous 'fro.

Gameplay is divided between two distinct paradigms. Evenings are spent at the Stray Sheep bar, ordering drinks and chatting with friends. While my experience has taught me that humans on the whole are lightweights when it comes to liquor–I once bottomed out two kegs of Tanqueray before jumping through six consecutive trick hoops at a Sea World show, prior to my escape–Vincent seems to be able to hold his own. Not to mention that, the more he is able to drink, the more bonuses he is afforded in the next sphere of play.

Don't look down, pencil-neck.

When Vincent finally succumbs to his rampant alcoholism and stumbles home, the player enters his dreams (in which he and other men having similar nightmares appear as sheep), where they must lead him through puzzling walls of rapidly falling blocks, pushing and pulling them to optimum effect. The blocks defy the laws of physics–forces which I am also unencumbered by–by connecting at their corners. This happenstance allows the player to fashion stairs with which to climb the crumbling walls and bring Vincent to (relative) safety. As the game progresses and its difficulty increases (and it does so with aplomb), Vincent must take care to avoid traps, such as pressure-triggered spikes, exploding blocks, and slippery ice–should he be caught in one of these traps, or be unlucky enough to fall, he is in for a violent death. There are time-based awards upon completion of any level, and bonuses offered for collecting sporadically placed bags of coins. When Vincent wakes up, the cycle starts all over again.

"I knew these pink-polka-dotted boxers would come back to bite me in the ass."

The game’s American launch initially drew an astounding level of player criticism regarding its steep difficulty. Even Japanese gamers complained that the more challenging echelons were all but unbeatable, which prompted ATLUS to patch an Easy Mode, thereby quelling the complaints of the Jell-O-brained human masses.

For me, however, even the hardest modes were nothing if not palatable, thanks to the advantage of my uncanny reflexes and telekinetic input controls. Puny hominids. You will never know the immeasurable joys afforded by extrasensory perception. Or fresh mackerel, direct from the ocean to your gullet.

Or blowhole sex.

Wow. Someone's ready.

Catherine is available now for the XBOX 360 and Playstation 3, in disc formats and on each console’s respective network shops.